I · gave · my · life · to · be · the · person · I · am · today. · Was · it · worth · it?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tcn49zHLt0

Oh em gee I am like totally obsessed with this song. I don't really know why, but I do. Let's leave it at that kthx.

Uh yea so I have enough drama right now to start my own tv show. It's fabulous, really is. I am in a state of confusion but hopefully it will all clear up soon. Probably not but here's hoping.

Aaaahhhh.

So Larry wanted me to add him to Livejournal. Larry if uh you read this tell me what your name thingie is cause I can't find you.

Also: not going to England anymore. Yea that plan crashed and burned. Now instead I think I'm gonna try to go to Minnesota and go to the Aveda Institute and sometime in the near future go to California so I can go to FIDM. We'll see we'll see.

That's all

BACK TO THE HILLS!!!

<3

So here's what I have to say for tonight.

Christmas was alright. Not as exciting as I recall. I got nice things.

-new comforter set
-a new camera
-a wearable blanket
-clothes
-beauty products (face wash, make up, shampoo, ect)
-Hilary Duff and Juicy Couture perfume (yum)
-sheets
-new pillows
-pajamas
-LOVE ACTUALLY (not from my mother though)

All things I will most def use. And I really do appreciate them all.
It's just I realized some things at my aunt's house and it made me cranky and I hate being cranky on Christmas. I realized just how trapped with her I really am. And I feel really selfish and guilty about saying that. But it's true. She followed me all around aunt's house. Kept sitting down next to me. I'm surprised she ate at a separate table from me. It just made me feel like I can never get away from her. And it makes me want to get away just that much more. I can't handle the constant looking over. She goes through my stuff. The other morning I got a text while she was in the room and she goes "can I check it?" and I said "I'd really rather you not" "Why are you hiding something?"
It makes me feel like I am 14 years old. And like she has me chained to the floor. I'm lucky if I'm allowed out past 10. It's really getting ridiculous. As soon as possible I am going to apply to Salford and do as Jamesy said and write them a little essay telling them that I will work harder and have more ambition if I can just get out of my house. And then I'll just have to fight her to let me go I guess. I really haven't thought that bit through yet. But I know it won't be fun.

On the grade front I have a B+ in Theatre, a B- in Creative Writing and a D+ (PLUS) in Human Impact. I am SHOCKED that I got a D let along a D PLUS. I don't know how I managed that. So I'm at a 1.8 and am still waiting on 2 more grades. It's making me go crazy not knowing.

As for Darren. My cousin Michelle has this new "friend that's a boy." And Jeff (her brother) said something about she met him on the internet and that's embarrassing and blah blah blah. Well she really didn't meet him on the internet, she met him at her high school reunion. Oh B'East. Well anyway so I was sitting on the couch tonight and Mike (another brother) goes "So Jamie where's your friend that's a boy?" and I looked at him kind of funny cause I didn't know who or what he was talking about. So I said (since he doesn't know about Darren) "What boyfriend?" and he went "WHAT? Why don't you have a boyfriend?? The internet it a HUGE place..." I kind of wanted to crawl into a hole. My life is just one giant lie at this point. If I don't get out of here soon my life is going to go downhill and fast. I can feel it. I hate feeling so trapped. And my mother wonders why I'm always cranky and lock myself in my room all the time.

But for now, let me say - Without hope or agenda - Just because it's Christmas - And at Christmas you tell the truth - To me, you are perfect

So here is my Christmas truth. I am slowly each day becoming more unhappy. Not really in a general sense. Compared to my state in high school I am beyond happy just day by day. Or more event by event. Each small realization with my mother there's a small bit of me that falls apart and I hate that feeling. I want that feeling to go away.


So that is what's on my mind. To those who actually took the time to read it I apologize for the super long depressing Christmas post. To those who didn't read it...I don't blame you.

PS: Anyone know of any good hiding spots for a bottle of bacardi and a bottle of smirnoff? Both are still sitting in the trunk of my car. I already have 2 bottles of bacardi in my closet. Yea I'm an alcoholic.

So, I've already spent about an hour on this horribly depressing post so I think I will go watch my second round of Love Actually (not Bridget Jones this time!) and probably go to sleep with my nice new bed set ^_^ I may not get out of it tomms. Especially if Krista comes over to mine instead. Hehe

Merry Christmas everyone.

No longer blind. Yayy!

It really is amazing how crap one person can be at wrapping presents. Said person...is me. I'd blame the time (4:30am) but time really has nothing to do with it. I just can't wrap to save my life. I did alright on some of them. But for the most part. Not so good.

Had my midnight shift at work saturday night. Some strange people come in late at night. One guy came in with his wife for batteries and came over to me and was like *sarcastic* "We just HAD to come to Walgreens at 11pm for batteries" and kind of looked at his wife. Some other guys at about 11:30 wanted to know if I knew anyone trying to sell a case of beer. They were from LA so they didn't know liquor store close at 9.

Nothing really more to say I guess. Boring post. But I was bored so that's what happens.
I'm gonna go watch my second round of Bridget Jones...of the NIGHT.

Merry Christmas everyone!

I have been studying my ass off. I managed to get a B+ in my Theatre class which is REALLY good. So now my goal is to try to get my Sociology grade up to a B which I don't know if that's possible. But I'm trying. The exam tomorrow is on divorce. I've been doing a really bad job at studying so as soon as I finish this post I'm going to spend the next few hours getting down to it. I'm not even going to bother studying for Human Impact because lord knows I haven't passed any of the tests yet.
I need a new userpic. Will get on that as well.

On another quick note I haven't been able to sleep lately because I've been too busy fighting with my mother in my head. Yes IN MY HEAD. I've been having fights about getting her to let me go to England. I want to go SO BAD (which is the main reason I am trying so hard to get my grades up)
Advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

In the meantime back to divorce...

I am doomed

40 weeks according to this thing. It has been 40 weeks since I have updated last. But it is 4:10am and I should've been sleeping hours ago but instead I am on my third round of Bridget Jones.

Frankly I don't have enough ambition to update this thing on a regular basis. I'm too busy not doing things such as homework. Which is exactly what this post is about. My lack of ambition and motivation. I am failing out of school because of it. I've got a week and finals to get my 2.0 and if that doesn't happen hello Walgreens full time. Which I suppose full time would get me more money for the England fund as I just spent $300 of it on Christmas gifts.

I don't think it's school itself. It's my lack of ambition. I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to write papers, or go to work even. I kind of just feel like lying (laying??) around all day. God only knows why.

So here is my New Years Resolution: ASSUMING I pass to next semester I am going to work my ass off. (Keep in mind I said this at the end of summer)I always have the ambition for it before it actually starts. But I have high hopes that tomorrow I will not be up til 7am doing homework like every Saturday night after work. I am going to change next year. A lot has to change. Including not letting ULP (aka Cody) get to me as much. But I can't help it. He's so damn loud and obnoxious. And a dumbass. Ah and also stay away from manic depressive suicidal boys. I am clearly bad at this game. (Darren so far seems fairly normal thank goodness)

And Alex is trying to be my friend...

What is wrong with my life?

My last topic of the night.

Any ideas on how to convince my mother to let me go to England? My newest plan is to visit for a month over the summer and look at schools and then apply for the fall semester. However my mother found out through the grapevine that I was planning on going and threw this huge fit at me about how there's no way I'm going blah blah blah. Even though I'm pretty sure at that point I'll be 20 (my birthday is next week!!) and that it is my own well earned money to do whatever the hell I want with. I'm beginning to feel horribly trapped in this house. I am treated like I am 14 and any mention of trying to move out and I get laughed at. So England whether she likes it or not, here I come.

So that is my post for now. I may come back shortly. Assuming I can work up the ambition. But now I must for serious go to bed. Almost 4:30 :(

Seriously.
Wtf.
Is it just my thing now to always be unlucky? Last week was horrible and this week isn't shaping up to be much better.
I'm pretty convinced I'm going to fail out of college at this rate. And it hasn't even been a month yet.
I really need things to stop being crap for me.
I requested at work to not work Wednesdays anymore. So in a few weeks I'll only work Mondays, Friday's and Saturdays which is nice.
RAWR!!!
TUESDAY DIE!!!
It should be sunday. Without the monday afterwards.

Boys just come and go like seasons fergalicious.

ALright, I should read. Maybe...

So
I've become trendy. In a certain sense of the word.
I've been buying cute clothes and headbands and TONS of make-up. I've never been so concerned with appearance in my life. Well, not certain aspects of my appearance anyway.
I love the store Forever 21. It's my new favourite store. I spent about $100 on clothes today. hehe I'm very excited about it. Complete with shoes and everything. Maybe this is the 2007 Jamie. Trendy and blonde.
I used to pride myself on being different. On staying away from the new, "hip" clothes and what not. Now I'm throwing myself into it and I have absolutely nothing against that. As long as I manage to maintain my individuality on other ways. Personality perhaps.

School's starting soon for me. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm nervous but at the same time I'm super excited. Partially just for the fact that I won't be working 7am to 4pm anymore. Woooo
I've decided that instead of minoring in music performance (violin) that I'm going to minor in film.
Music History and Film. That will get me far in life.
If i believe and try hard enough, i can come up with something good.

That's about all I have for now.

That song is stuck in my head. They played it at work about 6 or so hours ago.

For Christmas I got an electronic Thesaurus/Dictionary/translator/speller and I'm really excited about it. I don't have batteries for it yet but I really want to play with it. :(

Anyway.
So 2006, eh?
I don't remember much of it. Years are just starting to blur together in my head. As soon as I graduated, more or less highschool disappeared from my head except for a few random memories here and there.
Summer is a lot of random memories too. This summer was a helluva lot better than the one after Junior year. Hands down.
So I'm thinking:
New Year should require a new hair colour and a new outlook and everything that I have a crummy outlook on now.
Not a completely new hair colour. Just something better than what I have now.
I had a whole lot of stuff I wanted to write about this New Year's thing. I just don't know any of it right now. Maybe I'll remember later.

I hope my car is fixed tomorrow because I don't want to drive my grandmothers car to work again.